The following is an exert from chapter 8 of the book Missionary Guidebook For Ladies by Mindy Bush
Advice for the New Missionary Wife
Go with a desire to help, even while learning the language. Language school is also pre-field ministry, so you can gain much-needed experience as you help your teammates in their ministries. Try to carry the burden. Share the work load, show up early to services, ask how you can help, bring food to fellowships, help when visitors from the USA come, and take your turn in the nursery. Jump in and help in any way you can. Make it so that when you are gone, you are missed.
Have patience. If an issue does come up between you and another missionary wife, take some time to pray about it before confronting her. If you can wait a few days before addressing the issue, most likely you will get over the frustration and be able to forgive and forget. Talk to your husband first before addressing your teammate. They see things differently. Let the husbands deal with the issue if need be, not the wives. Men can handle things in a logical, business-like manner. Women get their feelings hurt all too easily. Do not gossip to another teammate about the one who offended you. When you do this, nothing is helped. If someone does this to you, the first thing you need to ask is, “Have you discussed this with them yet?” Sometimes a friend needs to speak truth, even if it hurts. Don’t get caught up in slander and gossip about another teammate. Remember that when this happens, the devil is happy. He wants nothing more than to destroy what God can do with a strong team that works hard together to reach the world.
Don’t be judgmental. The Bible says, “Judge not, less you be judged.” The veteran missionary wife will have flaws, just like you. She will have bad days and is possibly dealing with things that you have no idea about. Give grace to her. She may still be dealing with culture shock herself, and then feels like she needs to help you when she herself has not overcome it. Be careful with your expectations of her. You don’t know where you yourself will be in her stage of life and ministry. She most likely does not have the same personality as you, so she will do things differently. All of us are different. All of us have different gifts and abilities. Learn to accept the differences. She may not be the best housekeeper or cook, but she is hospitable and always has disciples in her home. She might not be raising her children the way that you think is best, but that is not yours to worry about. To get along with others, we must realize we are all different and will do things differently and to accept that without criticism. Learn to check your own attitude and work ethic instead of looking at others.
Be willing to receive correction. You won’t do everything right, whether culturally, in the language, or whatever the veteran missionaries may see in your life. They want to help you be successful. If they see you sheltering your children from the national children, or allowing your children to run like little devils all over the church platform, they may talk to you about it. They may notice that you are hiding out in your house instead of getting out and learning the culture and language. Instead of getting offended, be thankful for the correction! Have a thick skin to not be offended but a receiving heart to learn and grow. Psalm 118:165 says “Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them.” Some veteran missionary wives may not feel comfortable correcting you, especially if you had a stinky attitude the first time you were corrected. Make it easy for the missionary wife to help/correct you. This is hard on your pride, but sometimes we need lessons in humility. Put it on your calendar each month to ask the missionary how you are doing and if there’s anything you need to work on or change. Be specific with your questions because it is not easy to be the one to give correction. Most people are not naturally confrontational. Ask the following questions:
- How am I doing in the language?
- How am I doing in my relationships with the people?
- What are some things I can add to my schedule to be a help to you or to the church?
- Is there anything you see me doing with my children that I should work on?
- Is there anything you see me doing with my husband that I should work on?
- What are some other areas that you see in my life where I need to change?
For the veteran wife reading this, please be kind when helping the new missionary. Everyone is different. Try to be as Bible-based as possible when giving your opinions or ideas.
Be a learner. Some missionaries finish deputation with a big head, believing that they are the heroes of the world. It is easy to let pride swell our heads when we are the guest of honor in every meeting we have on deputation! You should remind yourself often that you may have made the big step of faith to go to the mission field, but you haven’t lived there or really done anything yet. So when you actually do arrive to language school, be prepared for your bubble to burst. You will feel like you know nothing! You have regressed to being the learner, and that’s the way it should be! If you know that you don’t know anything, it is better than thinking that you already know it all.
How do you be a learner? Whatever the missionary wife does, go along with her and do it with her. Be her shadow. The veteran missionaries are several steps ahead in ministry, so this is a great way to learn. You will learn how to lead a ladies meeting, prepare for guests to come from overseas, how to grocery shop in a foreign country, and how to go to the post office or dentist. If she will allow you, go with her as much as you can. Your husband will also be learning from the missionary and you must be willing to allow him that time to go and learn. Whether your husband is investing time or money in the missionary’s ministry, you should be happy that he is using his resources for the Lord. Many wives have a disgruntled attitude about their husband investing in another missionary’s ministry. Remember, it is the Lord’s work and it doesn’t “belong” to anyone. While in language school, make it a goal to be missed when you do leave to go to your city or country! If the veteran missionary is happy to see you go, then you have failed and most likely have been a burden to them!
